2012 (Or Being Cliche)

Well, here I sit.  10:24 New Year's Eve (eastern time that is).  I'm going to cliche blog about my 2012.  Deal or skip it.  No big.  

Conveniently googled picture

Things that happened:

- Megan moved in (this started as insignificant, but ended up awesome)

- Mom surprised me for my birthday (awesome)

- She also bought me lots of fun birthday things while she was in Utah

- My life fell apart (not awesome, also generally this continued for the whole year)

- Went on vacation to Disney World again (good)

- Life continued falling apart (boo)

- Finished my first year of teaching

- Decided to move to Virginia

- Freaked and stressed for a few months about moving to Virginia

- Megan met Gentry (this is not my life, but I think it's significant and important and it's my list so you can deal)

- Generally acted like a huge bitch to the only people in my life that were nice to me (to be fair, this was due to the falling apartness of my life but I still don't get to act like that)

- Had a going away party for myself.  Loved it.  Some people mean a lot to me.

- Went on a going away type date thing with Brittany to Trafalga and Mexican food.  Almost passed out while I was there. Made a fool of self. 

- Moved to Virginia

- Got London

- Got a job

- Teach third grade now

- Still acting like a crazy person

- Planned next Disney vacation (this time with family)

Pretty much the end. 

Heartbreak

You've perhaps noticed (and I'm sure it helped that I explicitly mentioned) the somber and subdued tone of my blog posts lately.  Admittedly, they're sometimes fiery and resentful, but none of that happy, silly, laughing stuff for the last few months.  I want to tell you why.  Mostly because I want to admit "out loud" to someone why.

My heart is broken.

Once upon a time I had a best friend for about five years.  I wasn't her best friend, but she was mine.  We did many things together.  It was grand. I found actual moments of happiness which is something hard for me.  Many (but not all) of our interests and ideas matched with one another.  We were the same, but different.

Then something happened.  I honest to goodness don't know what it was, but something happened.  And now, that friendship is gone.  Past.  Over.  I just looked at my text message history yesterday.  There has been zero communication since April 30th.

I suspected and feared the end might have been coming since February 25th when I ate my first birthday cake in years all alone (excepting for my mom and Megan (who didn't even know me then) singing a feeble, but well-meaning wish of happiness) and sobbed for hours.  I was afraid the end was coming, but I clung to what I could in every way I could think to do it.

At times I resorted to drastic and impulsive measures that likely made things worse.

And now, here I sit.  After more than a month with no communication, after a much longer period of pure dread, all alone.

Lonely.

Truly heartbroken.

Growing Up Country

I've found the comments of some of my friends quite perplexing as of late.  One friend on facebook was detailing her freak-out of having seen a mouse in her house.  She left the house immediately, bought traps, and had someone else handle the rest of the situation.  If I remember correctly, she even stayed with friends overnight because she was so freaked out.

Another friend blogged about seeing an enormous beetle in her house and how grateful she was that it wasn't a mouse.

Pro tip: You're more likely to get the mouse if you use peanut butter.  Occasionally mice can make off with the cheese and not get caught. 

Wait, what?  Is this real life?  I think it is.  Perhaps it's because I grew up poor and in the middle of nowhere, but we had some mice in our house.  So we just set traps (they are dirt cheap).  When we heard one snap we'd wait a few minutes for the mouse to completely die then take it outside to the trash.  Last step: set another one.  (It's not like we were dirty people, this was the country).  This is absolutely not a big deal to me.  

Bugs in the house stress me out much more because if you see one, in all likelihood there are hundreds more.  We used to have to set "fly bombs" in our house then leave for the day.  Basically they were aerosol cans of poison that you set around your house and then when you come back after a safe amount of time you have to sweep up all the bugs.  Gross.  Also, damn the fact that there were chicken farms close so we had so many flies. 

Last night at the bonfire I got a splinter in my thumb.  My fingers were too short and stubby to remove it so I asked my roommate to pull it out and she freaked.  Then I pulled out my pocket knife and asked if it would help if she cut the skin on top (it was buried pretty deep).  She was completely done after that.  Luckily Gentry manned up and got it out.  I found another this morning that's even deeper that I'll have to cut to access.  

I can clean a fish and cook like a champ.  I'm not strong enough to skin a deer, but if it's quartered I know how to break it down after that.  A mouse in the house is not a big deal.  I hate wearing shoes.  The bottoms of my feet are tough almost like a hobbit.  I love the smell of campfire.  Give me an old fashioned crank style ice cream maker and I can produce ice cream.  I've spent hours and hand ground pounds upon pounds of deer sausage.  In fact, I know all the different ways to season it depending on the intended use.  I've been squirrel hunting and eaten the result.  (Why do so many of my country tendencies have to do with food?) I don't wait on anyone to help me move furniture or boxes, I can figure out a way to do it on my own.  I say yes ma'am and yes sir on a regular basis.  Minor in home surgeries (splinters, in-grown toe nails, etc) are no big deal.  

Apparently these things aren't normal.  They come from growing up in the country (good old Luray, VA) with expectations.  Kids aren't for playing while adults work, kids are for making the work get done faster.  Maybe that means you carry the deer quarters from the tree where it's strung up to the kitchen where mostly women are cleaning and organizing the meat.  When you get older, you join the women.  Maybe you haul wood or build fires or take care of babies when you're still one.  Maybe you join your dad for a Saturday of activities (probably a trip to the dump and hopefully Tastee Freez).  Maybe you join your mom and weed the garden, pick up rocks, and make some vegetable soup.  It's all part of growing up country.  And I'm glad to have that experience. 

My Guide To Hiking

Over the last week I've been hiking a few times up rock canyon, and I've learned some things.

Note: the pictures below aren't in order and were taken over Friday and Saturday hiking trips.

Starting your Saturday hike with about a teaspoon of grit and gravel in your shoes is not ok.  You will feel it. Also your socks will get holes.  

Stop and rock hop in the stream whenever you want (just don't get too far from the path because then your mom might get mad). 

Do everything you can to make it to the natural water fountains.  It is the best water on the earth.  To get here, though, you have to man up and stop getting passed by the old man taking an early Saturday morning hike.  That's just embarrassing. (I would pass him, then have to take a break then he would pass me while I was breaking.  Finally I decided to man up, push through the pain, and get far enough past him that it wouldn't happen). 

Hiking on Saturday is just better.  Because on other days you still have life to get back to and things to do, but if you're hiking at 7:30 am on Saturday you can go for three hours and that's fine. 

Make friends with as many dogs as you can. 

Take pictures at the bottom on your shorter hike so you can tell your mom that you got into the grey rocks.  Proceed to at least triple your distance the following day. 

Even though people say not to, realize the benefits of hiking alone: no one will try to talk to you while you're barely able to breathe, you can take a break or go as slow as you want, and you get to pick the playlist. 

Get to the part where the path narrows and there's not as many people. 

Don't pick leaves just because you want to smell them.  They might be poison ivy or poison oak (anybody know if these are poison ivy or oak?).

Catch the sun. 

When you decide to go off the path on Friday so you can get a good picture for your mom, don't tell her.  If the giant rock you're standing on suddenly starts sliding down the mountain just as you were about to go further off the path for a good view, it's time to head back down. 

Don't hike in the shoes you melted the soles off last time you went camping.  You can feel all the rocks. 

Hike at least until you want to keep going and can't bear the idea of turning around.  Only turn around when the path starts splitting too many times and you're afraid you'll get lost.  Also when you get to campsites that got accessed some other way and there are toilets and everything, just give up and turn around because you might feel weird. 

When you see the view of the valley that shows how far you've really come, stop and take a picture because your view will disappear in the trees quite soon. 

If you hike in the morning wear a sweatshirt because it's freaking cold.  Don't take it off when you turn around to go down because there's still not enough sun to give you a tan. 

Spend some time trying to decide if you prefer the burn of hiking in the hot or the freeze of the morning.  Decide you love both. 

Hope that it'll get warm enough in the summer that you can walk in the creek up the mountain because the water looks so inviting. 

Go here.  Refuse to talk about it later, but insist on keeping the picture. 

Post a long blog post so your mom can see all your pictures and realize that you're not dead. 

Try turning your music off on the way back down the mountain.  It's a nice change. And let's be real, there's no way you're getting up there without your music.  You need the motivation. 

Post another picture of the place you're not talking about.  Realize you're obsessed with water pictures.  

Stop near the bottom for a photo of a nice cloud and a view you think your dad will like. Also wish that you could press save on your hike like you do on video games so you don't have to start again at the boring part next time.  

Just generally have a wonderful time and hope you have time and motivation to keep going next week.  

Summer Memories

Last night I was at ward prayer writing a  nice note to someone when a smell hit me.  I couldn't place it at all, but I was overwhelmed with nostalgia.  It smelled fresh like summer and playing outside and camping in the backyard while Dad told the mayonnaise man story (maybe I'll tell you sometime, it's terrifying).  Not knowing what the smell was frustrating so I wondered allowed what it was, "Something smells like summer."  My home teacher Preston answered simply, "It's mint" as he grabbed a leaf from the flower bed and handed it to me.  I held the leaf up close to my face and inhaled deeply.  There it was.  Mint.  Summertime.  Memories.

My mom always grew mint (still does) under the spigot on the outside of our house.  I don't know how mint does it, but it grows all summer long.  When we were really young my sisters and I would pick it to make "wilderness stew" to go with our elaborate outdoor camping games (not that we would have eaten it as the other ingredients included rocks, sticks, grass, mud, and dandelions).  My grandmother dries her mint and boils it for tea all summer long.  Every time we turn on the hose the water splashes into the mint and the aroma is released.  Smelling that little mint leaf last night I was overwhelmed by these memories and taken back to a time that was simpler and in many ways happier; a time of family and neon green shorts and drinking from the hose.

Preston grabbed a piece of rosemary soon after and as I smelled that piece I remembered the herb-stuffed pork loin Mom tried (and succeeded at) making five or six years ago when she started growing lots of herbs in her garden.

I know that studies show smells bring back memories faster than pretty much any other sense, but I was not prepared to be taken back so dramatically and immediately from last night to my childhood.  The experience was a welcome (albeit brief) escape from unfriendly reality.

It's That Important

I need to explain to you what Harry Potter means to me and why it's so important.  Because it is.  You can say that to you Harry is just a character in a book, but I grew up with Harry and I love Harry.  For a pretty good summation of my feelings about the end of it all, read this article.

When I was in fifth grade all the posters for the book fair at school had the cover of Sorcerer's Stone on them.  I thought it was all stupid.  A few of my friends told me to read the books and I pretty openly mocked the idea.  What could be so great about a kid who finds out he's a wizard then goes to magic school?  Dumb.  A few weeks (maybe months?) later I finally decided to read the books.  Our small school library only had one copy of each of the [then three] books and there weren't any copies of the first, so I started with Chamber of Secrets and loved it.  Within the week I was reading Prisoner of Azkaban and finally Sorcerer's Stone.  After I finished, I started them again.  In those early days number two was my favorite because it terrified the living daylights out of me.  I read them all repeatedly, but that one over and over again.

My mom worked at Wal-Mart when the fourth one was coming out.  She brought me some of the buttons that they wore to promote the release of Goblet of Fire.  I could hardly stand it when she would come home and tell me stories of walking past the readied display case of books.  Over and over I begged her to steal me one.  Before long my first experience with a midnight release arrived.  Perhaps it was just our small Wal-Mart, but there really was just one display case of books, nothing compared to the precariously stacked pallets that came later.  I remember being livid as an older lady stepped in front of me to take the first book.

And thus my obsession continued.  The first movie was the first movie I ever bought tickets for in advance.  I dressed up as Hermione as often as possible.  When I was a senior in high school (or I guess the summer just after) and the last book came out I got up at five am to stand in line to get a wristband to stand in line.  We were back at Border's by noon.  Luckily when I came to college I was able to find friends that also loved Harry Potter.  My very first roommate (Sarah) was just as obsessed as I was.

No joke when I was a kid I used to pray that I wouldn't die before the final book was released because I had to know how the story ended.  After I finished book seven I figured I could die anytime.  I am not exaggerating.  This actually happened.

And so tonight, it all ends.  The last movie is released and, as many have said, an era ends.  I grew up with Harry.  I am a part of the Harry Potter generation.  It's been a part of me for so long.  I choose to end with a quote from JK Rowling herself.  She summed up what we all needed when she said, "Hogwarts will always be there to welcome you home."

You are probably aware of how I usually like to include pictures in my posts, but this is too personal.  I don't want to just throw in pictures willy-nilly.  I want what this means to stand for itself. 

Remember

I hope my friends don't think I'm copying them by doing this post, but it seems wrong to let this day pass without blogging about what I remember.

I was in seventh grade living about 40 miles from the Pentagon. School had already started because it was the east coast. We started getting tiny bits of gossipy information from the kids that had cell phones then. Then parents started flooding the hall ways. The teachers wouldn't explain what was going on and we really wanted to know. My mom picked me up just before lunch and we went back to my grandmother's house where we were staying for a month or two. We watched the news all night (and, I'm ashamed to say, watched and hoped for school in our county to be cancelled the next day like most of the surrounding counties). Once it got dark we went to the fence and held candles. Most of the neighbors did the same thing. There were about a million vigils to hold and people to pray for.

A lot of the messages I've seen posted about 9/11 today seem to be trying to get across a political point (about the war, about the mosque, etc.). For once can we just remember how it was that day just to remember? We could learn something from how we acted that day. We all became Americans and stopped battling each other for once.

I say this because I mean it, not to be trite: I will always remember.

Things I Miss

Some of these have already been listed in another place.

Costco trips
staying up obscenely late
costco rolls
giant bags of mixed fruit from costco
avoiding parents on the back side of the building after mutual
going to stake dances on time and having a special music mix for the trip
walkies
purple paint
Garfield curtains
movie watching in the basement
being early and late for seminary in the same day
passing notes
girls camp
phase ten
youth conference
making a service project
im-ing once college started
watching the tv guide channel
the notebook (not the movie)
the dictionary
sparkling grape juice cup on my head
scrabble
bacon cheeseburger pizza (with pickles)
general silliness
getting a ride to church
Christmas carols in the big van while stuck in the snow
backstreet boys/n*sync/spice girls listening

the list goes on and on, doesn't it?

If distance weren't what it is then the temporary band-aids could come off and things could change I think.

Things About Virginia I Will Miss This Summer

This is (as the title implies) a list of things I will miss when I am not at home in Virginia this summer.
1) My mother. I love my mom. We fight sometimes (rarely), but I can say with all honesty that she probably is [one of] my best friends. I don't really care much how cliche and ridiculous that sounds to you, it's the truth.
2) Seeing my father. My father is hard to live with (though I love him). It will still be hard to go a whole year without seeing him.
3) Carl's Ice Cream. A little ice cream stand in down town Fredericksburg that usually has an hour long line (especially on a friday night), but it's the best soft serve around.
4) Motorcycle rides with my dad. My dad got a new motorcycle (it's really pretty) and I'm not a huge fan of them, but in the summer there is something wonderful about being in that open air on a long ride on shaded back roads.
5) My grandmother's too cold air conditioning. Mammaw's house is always colder than any other house around. She's addicted to air conditioning and there's nothing like coming out of the heat into her house.
6) Destiny. My 5 year old niece and one of my best friends. She's absolutely beautiful and I love an miss her.
7) Gabriel. My 3 (almost 4) year old nephew and a stud. This kid has so much energy and never quits. I love him.
8) Playing in the baby pool with the kids. There is something so fun about surprising a child and sitting down in their pool with all your clothes on. I know this seems simple, but it's important to me.
9) Impromptu dinner parties with the neighbors. On summer nights (especially Sunday's) it seems like the whole street starts grilling at one time and some magic happens and we all end up sharing and eating together.
10) Laurel's house. I loved visiting Laurel randomly this summer and going over to hyperion and just chilling for hours doing nothing with her and Dave.
11) Crickets. Do they have crickets here? I don't even know. I just love to hear the sound of the crickets at night. Even through closed windows. Ditto lightening bugs. (Seriously, if somone familiar with Utah could let me know about this, that'd be great).
12) Wading in streams/rivers. A pivotal part of my childhood. I didn't do much of it this past summer, but now I'm going to miss it a lot.
13) Fishing with Dad and Glenn. They've got a lot more stamina when it comes to this than I do, but it's still so much fun. Especially when the kids come along and you watch their faces.
14) Sudden thunderstorms. You can be having a sunny beautiful day and then BAM all of a sudden the clouds roll in and it's pouring down rain. That's when you go out and dance barefoot in the street with all your clothes on. The smell and feel of the air just before is amazing.
15) Heat lightning. I'm guessing the drier air doesn't have enough friction or something to have this out here, but I will miss it.
16) Thunder that wakes you up/keeps you up at night. I love that thunder that literally shakes the whole house because it's so loud. It's absolutely beautiful.
17) Tornado warnings. They don't usually do much damage in my area (last year they did wreak a little havoc), but there is something exciting about the anticipation.
18) Nights when the power goes out because of a storm. I don't know why this is exciting. I love hunting for the candles and eating all the ice cream with spoons from the container so that it doesn't go to waste. I love when everyone gets too hot in their beds so they move to sleep on the cool tile until the air conditioning works again.
19) Hot wind. As much as I hate the humidity, there is something so amazing about the hot wind that will blow through every once in awhile.
20) Intense wind. Along with the thunderstorms comes the crazy wind that makes the trees look like they are going to fall right down. Also, microbursts (until they cause too much damage).
21) My other siblings. Swinging on the swing in the backyard together or laying in the hammock, or just chatting. I do love all of them.
22) Beth. One of my best friends from high school that's still in Virginia. I miss that girl.
23) Family ward. I love that we have to sit in the back of the cultural hall extension to the chapel because the kids are too noisy and that all the little ones play with cars and eating lunch with the Kalamas etc.
24) Beach trips. Even if just for a weekend I love that 5-7 hour drive with the family and lounging in the sand and seeing the ocean and smelling the pier and the crusty motel one street back and everything about the beach.

Ok, I know a lot of these are weather related and some you probably think are really silly. The reality is, these are important things to me. Things I will miss all summer long. It's going to be hard for me to be here in Provo, but I'm going to try to make the best of it. Any suggestions for the must-have experiences of a summer in Provo?