1 Behold, I, Robbie, who am thy older brother, and do speak all manner of things pertaining to righteousness, or in other words, of things pertaining to the BYU Cougars
2 Do address this epistle to you, Sister Bullough, who art in the service of our God, which service causes me great joy
3 For thou art doing that which is great in the eyes of God. Thou art performing a labor that will bring souls unto Christ, yea, many souls, insomuch that no greater service can be performed than that which ye are performing at this time.
4 And I do write unto you this epistle to tell you of the great and marvelous battle which did take place in the land of the Cougars last night.
5 And it came to pass in the twelfth year of the oppressive reign of the Mountain West Conference – BYU having declared its freedom from those wicked judges
6 Which freedom was to commence on the first day of the seventh month –
7 And it came to pass on the twenty-sixth day of the first month, the Aztecs of San Diego State invaded the land of Provo.
8 And the Aztecs were mighty and strong, for they had yet to fall by the sword to anyone, being perfect in their record, and ranked fourth throughout the land.
9 But behold, the Cougars of BYU were also mighty and strong in their own right, yea, they were ranked ninth in the land.
10 And it came to pass that the Aztecs invaded the Cougars at the heart of the land of their possessions, yea, in the Marriott Center.
11 But behold, the Marriott Center was among the most fortified of all the strongholds in all the land. Yea, in 31 attempts to invade the land, the Aztecs had only been successful thrice.
12 And behold, the leader of the army of the Cougars was a man by the name of Dave Rose, he leading the Cougars to battle in the Marriott Center 88 times and defeating his enemies 84 times.
13 And it came to pass that this particular invasion marked the first time that two top ten teams did battle in the Marriott Center since Lehi left Jerusalem, yea, and probably even before that.
14 And the people of Provo did gather themselves together in the Marriott Center, yea, 22,700, many of whom arrived many hours before the battle was to commence.
15 And never before had there been a louder gathering in the Marriott Center. Yea, it was deafening to the ears and sent chills down the spines of all who had come to witness the battle.
16 And in the strength of their wives and their children and their bretheren did the Cougars go to battle with the Aztecs.
17 And it came to pass that there was one mighty and strong among the Aztecs, yea, and his might and his strength was known throughout the land.
18 And his name was Kawhi Leonard.
19 And it came to pass that Kawhi Leonard fell ill and did thrust up the contents of his stomach many times throughout the day and did receive IVs before the battle.
20 Nevertheless, he did fight diligently, insomuch that he did score 22 points and grabbed 15 rebounds for a double-double.
21 And he did hit a three-point basket in the final seconds of the first half.
22 Which first half was a truly great battle, for both sides did fight mightily for their cause, and neither team gained great advantage over the other, for it was a close and intense battle.
23 And it came to pass that the Aztecs had a 31-30 lead as the two sides pitched their tents for halftime.
24 And now, behold, the Cougars also had one mighty and strong, whose might and strength was also known throughout the land, yea, he was feared by many, and when others saw him tarrying in other parts of the land, his presence did cause them to quake, yea, quake even to the depths of their souls because of the great fear which he did cause to come upon them.
25 And his name was Jimmer Fredette.
26 And it came to pass that even Lord Voldemort did refuse to utter his name, and did call him he who must not be named.
27 And moreover, Chuck Norris did enter into a covenant with the Jimmer, whereupon the loser must grow a beard.
28 And it came to pass that Chuck Norris grew a beard.
29 And this Jimmer Fredette did have much weighing on his mind, for his brother TJ did perform for the students before the battle, yea, and twenty and four NBA scouts were there to observe the battle.
30 And it came to pass that the Jimmer did score from anywhere and everywhere on the battlefield.
31 Yea, the Aztecs did defend him mightily, yea, sometimes two or three Aztecs attempted to guard the Jimmer.
32 Nevertheless, the Jimmer did score 20 points in the first half, including the last 15 points for the Cougars.
33 And it came to pass in the second half that the Jimmer did dominate the battle.Yea, he did make a crossover three that exposed the foolishness of the ankles of D.J. Gay who tried to guard him.
34 And he did come off ball screens and hit fade away threes, yea, insomuch that he made shots that looked as if he were falling from off the face of the earth.
35 And he did drive to the basket and score, yea, and the number of his points was exceedingly great.
36 So great that never before had anyone scored so great a number of points in the Marriott Center among all the people of BYU.
37 Yea, the Jimmer did score forty and two points.
38 And it came to pass that the Aztecs of San Diego State were astonished, yea, exceedingly astonished.
39 And it came to pass that the Cougars won the battle convincingly by a score of 71-58, and the rumor spread throughout all the land that the unbeaten Aztecs had fallen and that the Jimmer had scored forty and two points.
40 Yea, even Kevin Durrant of the Oklahoma City Thunder – who himself scored forty and seven points in the NBA on this night – did tweet that “Jimmer Fredette is the best scorer in the world.”
41 And at the conclusion of the battle, the students, yea 5,000 strong, did rush the floor to congratulate the Jimmer.
42 And behold I tell you these things that you might know that the Cougars of BYU are perhaps the greatest team in the land.
43 Yea, they did fight mightily for their cause, insomuch that they were victorious.
44 And again, verily I say unto you, that never before had such a gathering of Cougars been so loud.
45 For those who came were filled with passion, insomuch that they shouted exceedingly loud.
46 And the people of BYU did celebrate exceedingly because of the greatness of their victory.
47 But behold, Dave Rose and his army did not celebrate exceedingly, for another battle did await them. Yea, in two days’ time, on the sixth day of the week, they will go to Albuquerque to do battle with the Lobos in the place that is called the Pit.
48 Yea, the Pit is not the Marriott Center, but is like unto it.
49 And Dave Rose and his army must be strong in mind and spirit so as to win that battle as well.
50 And behold, I, Robbie, do end my epistle.
