Friday, July 10, 2015

Anxiety Sucks

I have anxiety.  I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before and most people I know are aware.  I mean, I just tweeted something about being anxious two nights ago.  Anyway, I'm getting really sick of it, but it's just getting worse.  It's all the rage for celebrities to be honest about real life struggles so I thought I'd add a real life person with a real life struggle to the mix.

I don't particularly remember dealing with extensive anxiety when I was a child.  Sure I was always a worrier and would feel guilty about stuff that didn't make sense (like leaving my cousin's shoes at the playground when I was 6 or 7).  I was a stressed and dramatic and moody teenager.  Life wasn't really easy or anything, but anxiety wasn't the boss of me.

Now my life tends to revolve around what won't make me anxious.  Here's an example of the progression.

When I was in high school I loved going to movies with my friends.  It's really one of the only things to do here and we went all the time.  In college I continued going to movies (especially the dollar theater, hooray!) and loved going to midnight premiers of movies I loved.  I didn't want to miss a single moment of these highly anticipated shows so I'd wait until just before the movie started and go to the bathroom.  So far, this all makes sense.

Something changed, though, and I started going to the bathroom at the last second before any event (basketball game, a regular movie at the dollar theater, etc) started.  I'd set a time when I was going to go so I'd be least likely to miss the beginning, but also not too soon so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom again.

Eventually (with a few more degrees in the middle) I started feeling so worried about missing something I'd go to the bathroom three or four times between getting to a movie theater/event and the event starting.  Even during the previews I'd have to talk myself out of going again. Going to the bathroom seemed so stupid and  like a waste of whatever money I'd spent.  Plus then you have to crawl across people and in other ways disturb their experience.

Now the worry and stress leading up to an actual movie has become so frustrating I don't want to go anymore.  If someone invites me I dread going and can't wait for the date to pass.  Even things I really want to see I wait for DVD or redbox.  I have a $25 movie theater gift card that's been sitting around since Christmas so I can't even claim it's about the money.  I think it would be fun to go skydiving, but as soon as that idea came to me I could only think about what if I felt like I had to pee once I was suited up or in the plane or whatever.  So instead I don't go and I don't watch and I don't plan to skydive.

Well, this post got way longer than I intended it to be and I don't have a great way to wrap it up, but I wanted to explain a little bit about how I think.

The end.

Saturday, January 3, 2015

Social Media

I was laying down trying to fall asleep with my post holiday/every day anxiety running through my  head last night and I was thinking about social media.  I like social media.  I like to get on facebook and twitter.  I've even been considering instagram (heaven help me).  But there are just so many things that you can't post anymore without being judged or openly hated and it's stressful!

- Don't post too many details of your life (over-sharing).

- No posts about how you're feeling without details (attention seeking).

- No online quiz results.

- Don't post about the weather in your area that other people are probably posting about.

- Definitely no writing about the sheer volume of people posting about the weather.

- Avoid too many pictures of your kids.

- Or pets.

- Pop song lyrics are out.

- Stay away from slang words people might consider annoying (like hubby or preggo).

- Don't ever type something political.

- If at least two of your friends have already posted a video/article don't post it.

- No commenting on significant world news/events/results of sporting events (woo many people are already doing that too).

- Never play facebook games.  They'll secretly post and request and notify for you.

- Don't link your twitter and facebook so they say the exact same thing.

- Oh, I forgot.  If you have kids don't post stories/anecdotes about things they said or did.

- Sonogram pictures are out.

- No fashion blog type pictures either.

- If other people are posting about a popular movie/song/show don't bother posting anything about it because you're just adding to the "noise" in people's feeds.

That list is certainly not exhaustive.  And truly some of these things drive me crazy.  Being the imperfect person that I am (I know, shocking) I've even complained about several (both online and in real life).  But what's the point?  To shame people into sharing only the parts of their lives we want to hear about or think they should share?  I don't know.  It seems to go against the purpose of social media and if you don't want to know those things about someone shouldn't you just unfriend/unfollow/block/hide posts from them?

Also, typing/sharing this may make me a hypocrite.  I haven't yet decided, but see my note about being imperfect above.

Sunday, April 20, 2014

Baby Alice

First things first: Alice Rosalie is not named after Twilight characters.  My sister has never read the books and says she maybe saw the movie once, but can't remember.

Also, I was going to put the pictures all at the end of the story as a prize for finishing then I realized the text was quite long and needed breaking up.

On April 2nd everyone knew Alice was coming soon.  I kept telling Heather that she had to wait until April at least because Gabe's birthday is in March and we're really close to filling all the months.  So I was checking my phone any chance I got to see if there was any news.  When the kids were gone to specials I saw Mom had texted saying to call her.  Turns out Heather was in labor!  Apparently she had actually been in labor all night (though her contractions weren't regular) and was already dilated 6cm by the time she got to the hospital.

I got super excited and bounced all over the school building checking with the other third grade teachers to see if they'd let me late bus kids wait in their rooms so I could go check on Heather (and give Billy a chance to eat or whatever).  They all agreed easily and by 3:41 I was out the door and on the way to the hospital.

I grabbed some chicken for Billy from KFC then stress ate biscuits all the way there (I don't do well at traffic lights when I want to be somewhere).

Alice and me a few hours after she was born.

When I got to her room Heather was almost finished her IV antibiotics (she has group b strep or something so they tried to get those into her really quickly so the baby would be healthy -- I don't know much about this part except they were worried the baby would try to come before they could finish the meds).  Right after that they started the Pitocin.  We had been chatting nicely, but she got really tired and I just hung around grading papers and distracting her (Billy was in the corner reading).

At one point I left the room for a second so they could check her and break her water.  Then over the course of the next little while the nurse kept coming back in and moving the baby around and more and more water kept coming (the doctors already knew Heather had about 6 liters of fluid which is way too much).  Then Heather started getting weirdly glassy-eyed and exhausted and said she wanted the baby to hurry up and get out.

Alice all wrapped and ready to go home the next day.

The nurse brought the doctor in and before I even consciously really thought about it I was staying in there too (this shocked me, I don't even like to watch baby story, gross), though I relocated from a chair near the foot of the bed to hiding somewhat behind the IV screen thing up near Heather's head.  Billy was, of course, there too.  They had Heather push a little and then stop for a second (she was kind of pissed about that because apparently that's super uncomfortable).  Then they let her push all the way (meanwhile she kept talking about how big the baby felt -- ouch) and out came baby.  I peeked at one point and saw the baby's hand and honest to goodness thought, "Wow, they have tiny latex gloves on her.  I wonder how they did that."  Obviously that was just the whatever it's called that's stuck all over them and for a baby to wearing tiny latex gloves when it's only half born is weird.

Alice with a giant Utah baby flower (that I secretly like in this case, |
but I think it might just be because I like Alice so much). 

When Alice came out she was kind of...floppy and blue.  The doctor and nurses were talking about how the cord was really short and how right at the last part of labor (even though she'd been checked tons of times) the cord wrapped around her neck.  The nurses took Alice to the side and Billy went with her to the other side of the room.  I held Heather's hand because she was really upset that she didn't get to hold her yet.  She kept almost crying "Is she ok?" and they just kept saying yes, but obviously something was wrong because they didn't give her to her momma.  It was kind of tense, Heather was upset, and I was taking cell phone pictures of her from my place by Heather's bed because she couldn't see her.  After a few minutes she started really crying (she had only been occasionally making noise so far) and they brought her to Heather.  And then I cried a little bit (but not too much because I'm well medicated).  The pediatrician came and checked her out and declared her to be healthy.

Alice was Heather's biggest baby at 7* pounds 14 ounces and 19 inches long.  She was born at 6:23pm (I heard them call it which was kind of cool -- just like on TV) and she's beautiful.

When Gamma (my mom) swaddled Alice and she
 looked perfect and vaguely Middle Eastern

There were some other gross parts I witnessed during the whole birthing thing that I'm not gonna talk about here (this has been a lesson in TMI already), but it was totally worth it.  Being there when Alice (partially named for me) was born was the coolest thing I've ever done.

All dressed up with nowhere to go for Easter
(she couldn't come to the party because germs).

*Originally I posted that Alice weighed 6 pounds 14 ounces at birth.  Please pardon this mistake.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

Lies TV Tells

Everyone knows (at least I hope so) that all media is full of lies.  TV especially tells people falsehoods about who and what they have to be and what is realistic.

Side note: I still love TV. A lot.

With all the lies TV tells, this is the one that irritates me the most.  I hate it and I'm tired of seeing it.

The end.

Mary Beth and Travis from Switched at Birth

Puck and Lauren Zizes from Glee

Sam and Mercedes from Glee

Link and Tracy from Hairspray (I'm aware that's a movie and not TV). 

Tuesday, March 4, 2014


Most of the country has recently been hit by winter storm Titan.  Stafford was no exception.  We got a nice layer of ice with several inches of snow on top that's kept us out of school for three days now.  I LOVE to stay home on snow days.  My dad likes to go have an adventure and gets all stir crazy.  I think a snow day is a wonderful ready made excuse to not have to interact with other humans.

Anyway, today I ventured out to take my brother to pick up the truck.  The roads were a huge mess, but our driveway had been mostly cleared.  I got him where he needed to be without too much sliding in my tiny car then headed home.  Shockingly I made it up the patchily cleared (and very steep) driveway on the first try.

I stopped in Mom and Dad's house to steal a leftover egg roll and start a load of laundry.  When I walked past the window to go home something seemed off.  I backed up and looked out car was at the bottom of the driveway.

I know this doesn't seem like a big deal, but I was very flustered!  Luckily there was a pile of snow by the trash bins which stopped the car from going in the road or the ditch, but it's just kind of shocking for your car to not stay where you parked it.  I moved it back up the driveway and parked it on the flat part at the top this time and there it's stayed.

And now you know how boring my life is.

Thursday, February 6, 2014


Remember how earlier this week everyone started having a fit because of JKR trolling Harry Potter fans?  I've decided to share my opinion.  Mostly it's this: I don't care.

I like Hermione with Ron and her ability to be just friends with Harry.  I do find it significant that JK said she was clinging to the plot she first imagined and I think that kind of original imagining has some power and significance.  But I've never gotten involved in a shipping war because it doesn't matter.  Hermione is bad ass!  She's so smart (I sometimes get jealous which is embarrassing) and great at magic and an awesome planner and she reads a thousand books and has awesome friends.  She's compassionate and thoughtful and brave.  So no.  I don't care who her boyfriend is.

Monday, February 3, 2014

We Don't Go to School

Guess how many days I taught in January.  Go ahead, I'll wait....

(Random dogs courtesy of the internet). 

...just like Bruce Willis in that hugging commercial yesterday...

(What even is the internet.)

The answer is 13.  Or maybe 12.  Now I can't remember but it wasn't very many.  Basically it will snow one inch and then we won't go to school and then we will have a two hour delay then a day of school then four days off etc.  I think we might still be in school on the 4th of July.

You know what's cool though?  This weekend my dad got his hearing aids.  He's been shooting his whole life and listening to his music too loud and all that business.  And now he can hear Tori.  Tori is extremely quiet and he's needed a translator (one of the other adults or kids) to tell him what she says.  And now he can hear her.  Isn't that touching?  He also says he can hear how his own voice sounds for the first time in many years.  I teared up right in the middle of my pizza.

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The end.