I don't particularly remember dealing with extensive anxiety when I was a child. Sure I was always a worrier and would feel guilty about stuff that didn't make sense (like leaving my cousin's shoes at the playground when I was 6 or 7). I was a stressed and dramatic and moody teenager. Life wasn't really easy or anything, but anxiety wasn't the boss of me.
Now my life tends to revolve around what won't make me anxious. Here's an example of the progression.
When I was in high school I loved going to movies with my friends. It's really one of the only things to do here and we went all the time. In college I continued going to movies (especially the dollar theater, hooray!) and loved going to midnight premiers of movies I loved. I didn't want to miss a single moment of these highly anticipated shows so I'd wait until just before the movie started and go to the bathroom. So far, this all makes sense.
Something changed, though, and I started going to the bathroom at the last second before any event (basketball game, a regular movie at the dollar theater, etc) started. I'd set a time when I was going to go so I'd be least likely to miss the beginning, but also not too soon so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom again.
Eventually (with a few more degrees in the middle) I started feeling so worried about missing something I'd go to the bathroom three or four times between getting to a movie theater/event and the event starting. Even during the previews I'd have to talk myself out of going again. Going to the bathroom seemed so stupid and like a waste of whatever money I'd spent. Plus then you have to crawl across people and in other ways disturb their experience.
Now the worry and stress leading up to an actual movie has become so frustrating I don't want to go anymore. If someone invites me I dread going and can't wait for the date to pass. Even things I really want to see I wait for DVD or redbox. I have a $25 movie theater gift card that's been sitting around since Christmas so I can't even claim it's about the money. I think it would be fun to go skydiving, but as soon as that idea came to me I could only think about what if I felt like I had to pee once I was suited up or in the plane or whatever. So instead I don't go and I don't watch and I don't plan to skydive.
Well, this post got way longer than I intended it to be and I don't have a great way to wrap it up, but I wanted to explain a little bit about how I think.
The end.
1 comment:
Ginger,
I too suffer from anxiety and depression. I finally went to the Dr. in Aug of 2011 and have been on meds. since then. How I wish I would have gone years ago. My anxiety started when I was about 12.My dad had become very ill with his heart and was to be one of the first open heart surgeries in Memphis, Tenn. That was about 1 hour away from our home. I was terrified my dad would die during the surgery because they had to tell us what his chances were. He made it through the surgery, but he was in the hospital for 6 weeks. My Mom worked, then drove to Memphis, and would come back late at night, before she would do it all over again. I found myself trying to always be good, so not to upset anyone. So I became a peacemaker. Always trying to make sure that everyone lives were nice and even, while I rode wave, after wave of anxiety. I didn't even know what it was exactly. If you ever want to talk, I'm around. Love you!
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