This Isn't Just About the New Black Hermione

Guys I'm having a lot of opinions and I'm trying hard not to rant on the internet.  I legit just screamed into a pillow (massively irritating my sleeping dog) to release some frustration.  I'd like to more calmly share some of my thoughts.

When I first read Harry Potter Hermione was a reflection of my own self.  She was smart and not the prettiest and irritated some kids, but was very well meaning.  And I loved to pretend I was her. And from what I'm reading I'm not the only one.  But this isn't about me.

This is about my kids (my students and the ones in my family).  Guess what these kids read and see?  Books and movies and tv shows with white kids and white people doing stuff and saving the world usually only with peripheral characters of another race.  When my niece dressed up as Hermione for Halloween she wouldn't say "I'm Hermione."  She said "I guess I'm black Hermione."

My students are from Mexico, El Salvador, Bangladesh, Pakistan, Palestine, Peru, Ghana, Sierra Leone, India, the Philippines, and many many other places.  And most of them aren't white.  And out of six little kids in my own family only one is white.  These kids need to be able to more easily see reflections of themselves in the media they consume.

So let's have a black woman play Hermione and an Asian woman play Cinderella and a Native American boy play Percy Jackson and a Mexican-American lady play Ryan Gosling's next witty and independent love interest. Nothing bad will come of it.



Also massively important and tangentially related, please stop spreading this idea that Islam is by nature a hateful religion.  It's damaging in so many ways.

At FLMS

At the end of last school year I was miserable.  I was not enjoying my job.  In fact, I was failing at my job.  People would kindly (though possibly insincerely) tell me it wasn't me it was the kids, it was the parents, it was the tests, it was the environment, etc.  That didn't change the fact that several years in a row I was not effective (no matter how hard I tried).  Test results would come and I'd go into the bathroom and cry.  No doubt I worked hard, but it didn't work.  

So I sought help.  I contacted old professors.  I talked to local professionals. I read articles.  And I still didn't feel good.  I felt like I had wasted my scholarship on a career I would never be good at or enjoy again.  

Then one night I helped my brother with math.  For six hours straight.  And he was able to graduate high school on time in no small part because of that.  The weirdest part was I mostly enjoyed it (even though my brother and I don't get along very well).  

I decided to give it one more college try.  I'd get certified to teach math and find myself a job.  I'd leave the school where I loved the people, but couldn't succeed for somewhere new.  Getting certified was easy.  I'm a good tester and love math.  Harder was finding a job.  My county made it extremely difficult to get a transfer.  Then came a call for a school I'd never heard of in a county I wasn't that interested in. 

When I got there my heart dropped a little (I'm ashamed to admit).  Another mostly broken down old building.  I don't know why I have the tendency to judge a school by its cover, but I do.  I interviewed and felt pretty confident that I'd get the job.  After a few more tangles with my previous job there it was.  A job offer.  My last hope.

This is my classroom before I actually had stuff on the bulletin boards. 

And I LOVE it.  I love these kids more than perhaps any other class. (I don't know, my first class was very special).  I'm concerned about their personal worries.  I want to know what little (and big - see previous post) things are troubling them and potentially keeping them from achieving.  I feel so sad when they don't succeed.  During the weekends I think about them and hope they're happy, warm, and fed.  I'm a little worried about Christmas break because of my time away.  And I have passion for my subject! I get excited to teach things and I'm seeing eyes light up and it's wonderful.  

And some stuff still sucks like data meetings and state tests and dealing with seemingly stupid requirements from VDOE.  And my job is hard.  It's hard and tiring every single day.  But I didn't fail.  I didn't waste my scholarship.  This is not the end of my life as a teacher.  And perhaps for the first time in a VERY long time I feel like it's actually the beginning. 

Be Kind...

I've heard over and over and over, "Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle."  I mean, this is the internet.  Everyone loves to post a thoughtful inspirational quote that may or may not mean much.  This one does. I've never thought so much about it (except like hell yeah I'm fighting some battles) until this year (and especially this week).

I changed schools this year and I LOVE my new job.  It's amazing and I love the kids more maybe than I have any other group.  Middle school suits me.  But man, these kids are dealing with a lot.

These kids look forward to the days they can come to school on Saturdays because that means they get lunch that day.  One missed breakfast the other day (everyone at my school gets free breakfast) and was near tears in my class because he hadn't eaten since the snack he got at the after school program the previous day.  And then today I called a child to the hall to ask him why he hadn't come to after school math help.  I said "____, what happened to you yesterday afternoon?" And the kid fell apart.  I spent most of the period in the hall letting him talk while I listened.  And his stuff is TOO much.  This kid is 12 and has dealt with more in his life than you or I could imagine.

And so I think of that quote.  And I want to remember it before I fuss because a homework assignment is missing or worry that maybe one kid or another might not pass the end of year test.  Because these kids are fighting insanely hard battles.  And honestly, who cares about math homework when you have so much more at stake.

Anxiety Sucks

I have anxiety.  I'm pretty sure I've mentioned that before and most people I know are aware.  I mean, I just tweeted something about being anxious two nights ago.  Anyway, I'm getting really sick of it, but it's just getting worse.  It's all the rage for celebrities to be honest about real life struggles so I thought I'd add a real life person with a real life struggle to the mix.

I don't particularly remember dealing with extensive anxiety when I was a child.  Sure I was always a worrier and would feel guilty about stuff that didn't make sense (like leaving my cousin's shoes at the playground when I was 6 or 7).  I was a stressed and dramatic and moody teenager.  Life wasn't really easy or anything, but anxiety wasn't the boss of me.

Now my life tends to revolve around what won't make me anxious.  Here's an example of the progression.

When I was in high school I loved going to movies with my friends.  It's really one of the only things to do here and we went all the time.  In college I continued going to movies (especially the dollar theater, hooray!) and loved going to midnight premiers of movies I loved.  I didn't want to miss a single moment of these highly anticipated shows so I'd wait until just before the movie started and go to the bathroom.  So far, this all makes sense.

Something changed, though, and I started going to the bathroom at the last second before any event (basketball game, a regular movie at the dollar theater, etc) started.  I'd set a time when I was going to go so I'd be least likely to miss the beginning, but also not too soon so I wouldn't have to go to the bathroom again.

Eventually (with a few more degrees in the middle) I started feeling so worried about missing something I'd go to the bathroom three or four times between getting to a movie theater/event and the event starting.  Even during the previews I'd have to talk myself out of going again. Going to the bathroom seemed so stupid and  like a waste of whatever money I'd spent.  Plus then you have to crawl across people and in other ways disturb their experience.

Now the worry and stress leading up to an actual movie has become so frustrating I don't want to go anymore.  If someone invites me I dread going and can't wait for the date to pass.  Even things I really want to see I wait for DVD or redbox.  I have a $25 movie theater gift card that's been sitting around since Christmas so I can't even claim it's about the money.  I think it would be fun to go skydiving, but as soon as that idea came to me I could only think about what if I felt like I had to pee once I was suited up or in the plane or whatever.  So instead I don't go and I don't watch and I don't plan to skydive.

Well, this post got way longer than I intended it to be and I don't have a great way to wrap it up, but I wanted to explain a little bit about how I think.

The end.

Social Media

I was laying down trying to fall asleep with my post holiday/every day anxiety running through my  head last night and I was thinking about social media.  I like social media.  I like to get on facebook and twitter.  I've even been considering instagram (heaven help me).  But there are just so many things that you can't post anymore without being judged or openly hated and it's stressful!

- Don't post too many details of your life (over-sharing).

- No posts about how you're feeling without details (attention seeking).

- No online quiz results.

- Don't post about the weather in your area that other people are probably posting about.

- Definitely no writing about the sheer volume of people posting about the weather.

- Avoid too many pictures of your kids.

- Or pets.

- Pop song lyrics are out.

- Stay away from slang words people might consider annoying (like hubby or preggo).

- Don't ever type something political.

- If at least two of your friends have already posted a video/article don't post it.

- No commenting on significant world news/events/results of sporting events (woo many people are already doing that too).

- Never play facebook games.  They'll secretly post and request and notify for you.

- Don't link your twitter and facebook so they say the exact same thing.

- Oh, I forgot.  If you have kids don't post stories/anecdotes about things they said or did.

- Sonogram pictures are out.

- No fashion blog type pictures either.

- If other people are posting about a popular movie/song/show don't bother posting anything about it because you're just adding to the "noise" in people's feeds.

That list is certainly not exhaustive.  And truly some of these things drive me crazy.  Being the imperfect person that I am (I know, shocking) I've even complained about several (both online and in real life).  But what's the point?  To shame people into sharing only the parts of their lives we want to hear about or think they should share?  I don't know.  It seems to go against the purpose of social media and if you don't want to know those things about someone shouldn't you just unfriend/unfollow/block/hide posts from them?

Also, typing/sharing this may make me a hypocrite.  I haven't yet decided, but see my note about being imperfect above.