Heartbreak

You've perhaps noticed (and I'm sure it helped that I explicitly mentioned) the somber and subdued tone of my blog posts lately.  Admittedly, they're sometimes fiery and resentful, but none of that happy, silly, laughing stuff for the last few months.  I want to tell you why.  Mostly because I want to admit "out loud" to someone why.

My heart is broken.

Once upon a time I had a best friend for about five years.  I wasn't her best friend, but she was mine.  We did many things together.  It was grand. I found actual moments of happiness which is something hard for me.  Many (but not all) of our interests and ideas matched with one another.  We were the same, but different.

Then something happened.  I honest to goodness don't know what it was, but something happened.  And now, that friendship is gone.  Past.  Over.  I just looked at my text message history yesterday.  There has been zero communication since April 30th.

I suspected and feared the end might have been coming since February 25th when I ate my first birthday cake in years all alone (excepting for my mom and Megan (who didn't even know me then) singing a feeble, but well-meaning wish of happiness) and sobbed for hours.  I was afraid the end was coming, but I clung to what I could in every way I could think to do it.

At times I resorted to drastic and impulsive measures that likely made things worse.

And now, here I sit.  After more than a month with no communication, after a much longer period of pure dread, all alone.

Lonely.

Truly heartbroken.