Mothers Day

I'm going to join the droves of other people and post about Mothers Day.  And you know what?  You can't do anything about it because this is my blog and you're not my real mom.  Also, as a side note, I keep switching between Mother's Day and Mothers Day because I like both.

People I want to thank this Mother's Day.

Misti O'Neal Carbone for being a real life Loreli Gilmore.

Erma O'Neal for being the sweetest grandmother in the world.

Alice Budd for letting me share a birthday (and a name), for giving me good advice, and for hours and hours of card playing.

Katie Facemire Snead for showing me a different way when I was in high school.

Robin Stokes for giving me a hug every time you saw me even when I didn't want anyone to speak to me.

Sister Thatcher for being an inspiration and a guide in my growing up years.  Ditto to Joyce Wilson.

Christina Stommel for asking me if my oil was changed, for driving me places when I needed a ride, for being a beautiful example, for seeking out adventure, and for being a mother figure when I missed mine so badly.

Margaret Wright for giving me the biggest hug in the world before you even knew me freshman year because I missed my own mom so badly.

Heather Wooten for taking care of me when Mom couldn't and devoting every single ounce of herself to her children.

Laurel Budd for telling me that everything is gonna be alright, be strong, believe.  And for crying with me when everything was the worst.

And finally to my own wonderful mother.  She is an inspiration and an amazing human.  I love my momma more than anyone else in the world at this point.  I'm not exaggerating or being silly when I tell you she is my best friend.  She wasn't when I was a kid (because I don't think that's how good parenting works) but now I'd rather talk to her than anyone else most days.  I tell her about boys and friends and we love to shop together (grocery shop or idea shop at Ikea for the most part).  For my birthday she surprised me in my classroom.  It was a beautiful thing and that week was awesome.  When I fought with my friends that week and sobbed for hours she cuddled me and bought me a birthday cake anyway, which we ate almost alone.  For the past several months she's listened to me cry almost every day when my life was SO hard (stop judging me right now, it's been a really bad several months).  She loves my students and lets them call her Momma Budd.  When I was in high school she wrote me a letter and told me how much she loved being a mother and the one greatest regrets of her life was that she wasn't able to stay home with us all the time.  I have no resentment toward her for that because she was/is an amazing mother despite sacrificing her own sleep and time to work overnight shifts picking rocks out of jeans. I could go on for pages about my mother and how wonderful she is, but I won't.  I'll just end by saying, I love you Mom.

Leave No Man Behind

Someone I know tweeted this quote the other day.

No one can give you courage.  No one can thicken your skin.  I will not fail so you can be comfortable.  I will not lose because you can't win.

I'm not going to put who wrote it or who tweeted it because I think both should be embarrassed by it.  This quote is completely and exactly the opposite of motivational.  Also I think it's total bull shit.

Most of the people in this area are extremely religious.  What would Jesus say about this quote?  Because to me this quote says, "Man up and get over yourself because I can't take any time out of stepping on other people during my journey to the top to help my fellow man."

Let's turn our thoughts for a moment to the US military.  When I think abstractly of "getting shit done" I think of the military because they do.  And what is their unofficial motto thing that is in all the cheesy action movies?  Leave no man behind.  Not I won't lose because you can't win, LEAVE NO MAN BEHIND.  Because that's what classy people do.  Because that's what Christ-like people do.  Because that's what anyone who gives a damn about other people in the least does.

So yes.  I'm a fan of the phrase man up.  Sometimes you need to suck it up and move on.  But sometimes you are physically, mentally, and emotionally incapable of taking even one more step on your own and if only someone would help you just a tiny bit you could get up and run towards success with that person.  And then you can both win.  And you will both be better people.  And no one fails.  Is my point coming across?  If I win you don't lose and if you win I don't have to.  We can both win together.

Unless you're an asshole.

Different Place, Different Time

I've been struck a few times over the past little while by the differences in culture between different groups of people regarding simple things.  Two quick examples:

A few weeks ago I got the word "wagon" on Draw Something while playing with my sister.  This is what I drew (or attempted to draw).

Just last night I was playing Draw Something with a Mormon friend of mine.  It quickly became clear that he too got the word "wagon."  Only, this friend drew something that resembled this.

I couldn't help but chuckle as this Mormon culture clashed with my childhood culture (which wasn't filled with Pioneer days and things of that nature like many LDS folks). 

Second example.  Just before Christmas break I had to confiscate at least a half dozen of these from students for playing with them in class (excessively, I might add).  

They're called HexBugs.  Basically these little battery powered bugs scuttle around all over the top of (or in most cases inside) your desk and are fun and actually act a lot like real bugs.  

Not two weeks later I was home for Christmas break talking to my dad about my class.  I told him they sometimes played with toys in their desks while I was teaching (though I didn't tell him what they played with).  Dad started musing about the days when he would bring a woolly bear caterpillar in from recess and keep it in his desk to play with.  

If you tell me that didn't give you a chuckle, you're a liar.  I guess boys will be boys and want to play with bugs during school: only now the bugs are electronic. 

P.S. Do they even have woolly bears in Utah? 

Summer Memories

Last night I was at ward prayer writing a  nice note to someone when a smell hit me.  I couldn't place it at all, but I was overwhelmed with nostalgia.  It smelled fresh like summer and playing outside and camping in the backyard while Dad told the mayonnaise man story (maybe I'll tell you sometime, it's terrifying).  Not knowing what the smell was frustrating so I wondered allowed what it was, "Something smells like summer."  My home teacher Preston answered simply, "It's mint" as he grabbed a leaf from the flower bed and handed it to me.  I held the leaf up close to my face and inhaled deeply.  There it was.  Mint.  Summertime.  Memories.

My mom always grew mint (still does) under the spigot on the outside of our house.  I don't know how mint does it, but it grows all summer long.  When we were really young my sisters and I would pick it to make "wilderness stew" to go with our elaborate outdoor camping games (not that we would have eaten it as the other ingredients included rocks, sticks, grass, mud, and dandelions).  My grandmother dries her mint and boils it for tea all summer long.  Every time we turn on the hose the water splashes into the mint and the aroma is released.  Smelling that little mint leaf last night I was overwhelmed by these memories and taken back to a time that was simpler and in many ways happier; a time of family and neon green shorts and drinking from the hose.

Preston grabbed a piece of rosemary soon after and as I smelled that piece I remembered the herb-stuffed pork loin Mom tried (and succeeded at) making five or six years ago when she started growing lots of herbs in her garden.

I know that studies show smells bring back memories faster than pretty much any other sense, but I was not prepared to be taken back so dramatically and immediately from last night to my childhood.  The experience was a welcome (albeit brief) escape from unfriendly reality.

An Important Clarification

I think it was clear in my last post, but possibly not so I want to add it here.  I don't believe Anna, Jane, or Mary in the situation below to be bad people in any way shape or form.  I don't want it to come across like poor Anna, if only Jane and/or Mary did their duty as Mormons and friends then everything would be ok.  It's not like that.  People react to situations differently and I just wanted to address some thinking that seems to be prevalent in this culture.  

Thanks, all.  Also I certainly appreciate the thoughtful comments that have already been left on the previous post. 

On Religion

The LDS Church is losing YSA (that's young single adult, for those less informed) members at a rapid rate.  I've seen some sources refer to the loss as "bleeding" or even "hemorrhaging" members from this demographic.  Here's a link to just one article that quotes Elder Marlin Jensen in case you're not believing me: article.

I want to share with you a conversation I was privy to awhile ago that I think exposes some of the reasons these members are leaving at such a rapid rate.  All names are changed (and some context) to protect the innocent.

Mary, Jane, and Anna are girls in their early twenties living in Provo.  The three had been having another conversation that eventually led to the topic of religion.  Anna is on the outside edge of current Mormonism and has been struggling to find her faith for 18 months or so and is instead finding more questions than answers.

When the topic of Proposition 8 comes up Anna mentions that the Church should not have, in her opinion, gotten involved in campaigning against it and that she doesn't care if gays get married or not.  Mary is quiet, Jane is vocal.  Jane says that the prophet (and apostles) should be followed exactly and they stood so adamantly and specifically against it that she can't help but following.  Mary expresses her belief that it doesn't matter much whether gays get married or not citing this graph.

Where then, queries Jane, do you draw the line and decide you will and won't listen to the prophets?  Questioning can lead to too much questioning, she warns, and you should follow with exactness.  Anna is interested and expresses her frustration with that sentiment as as a reason she can't realign with the church.  Where can someone like Anna discuss her problems?  Go to the scriptures says Jane.  What about things the scriptures don't address?  Jane suggests talking to the bishop.  Anna expresses her frustration that these roads lead to few actual answers and mostly ideas of "pray more often."  

The conversation gets more heated, though not argumentative.  Anna brings up topics that bother her (which I won't site here lest it bring up questions for someone that doesn't want them) and Jane responds to some.  Most often with ideas about following the prophets and just staying aligned until we know more and how things are uncertain.  Anna compares blindly following that strictly to "drinking poison kool-aid" a la Jim Jones, but to a lesser degree.  Mary chimes in and says it's different because the prophets will never ask someone to drink poison kool-aid.  Anna asks how she can be sure.  Both Jane and Mary affirm that men led by God wouldn't do something like that. 

Anna again goes back to the questions in the church's past that seem strange and asks about the prophets and apostles being human and where the line of human error is drawn.  The conversation is getting more heated and Mary is visibly frustrated.  Anna turns to Jane and says that the conversation should probably stop as Mary is getting offended (these three are friends, remember?).  Mary asks what Anna expects when she attacks her beliefs and shoots them down left and right.  The situation deteriorates from there. 

Here's an unrelated picture of a basset hound puppy to break up the monotony of the text. 

There's the story.  Not many specific details, I know, but enough for you to follow my line of thought...I think.  So, we have these three girls.  Anna, the "struggler" and Jane and Mary the "in line with the standards and beliefs of the church" members.  All three living in the Provo bubble of Mormondom.  None of the girls are breaking any major church rules or commandments (I mean, who doesn't break some rule at some point by listening to a song they shouldn't or whatever.  No one is perfect).  

I think the point of this is my desire to highlight Anna's predicament.  In this conversation she is among friends trying to honestly discuss religion.  The reason Anna chooses to push and ask Mary and Jane her questions is not to try and sway them or to attack their beliefs, but to have someone push back on her.  There is no forum for that.  Anna can go to the Church that is not very specific on many many things and frowns on questioning or can look to sources on the internet which are predominantly written by ex-Mormons trying to draw others away.  When Anna tried to have this conversation with her friends at least one of them was offended and got defensive at Anna's apparent attack on her beliefs.  

What, then, is Anna to do?  Where is she to go?  She's in the Provo bubble with not very many people to talk to about the situation and some serious issues to be worked out.  Here's my point.  No one is looking after this group of young adults: not their bishops, not their friends, not their families, no one.  So they're left alone.  What happens when they're left alone?  They feel alienated and leave the church that they don't see as caring for them or providing answers to their questions; they leave the church of their childhood.  And that's just sad.  

I know you love my random breaking up the monotony pictures. 

My recommendation?  When your friends let you know they have questions or they don't believe in God or they're struggling with the idea of following the prophet then love them.  Love them so much they might die of so much love.  And don't be easy on them.  Push.  Ask what they believe and why they believe it.  Get them to defend their belief or disbelief.  Don't smother them, of course.  Don't push when they're in a state of irritation.  Similarly, don't avoid the topic of religion.  Not talking about Jesus just because they're in the room or not praying at a meal they're invited to is probably not helpful.  It doesn't show that religion is important to you and sets no example for the Anna's in the world.  Lastly, try and be kind and understanding to these people.  Know that in most cases they're not people looking for a reason to be wicked or a way to justify their sins.  Most likely something bad happened to them or in their life and it made them question and they got lost.  Help them back, don't leave them in the cold.  There's no one else out there to take care of the Anna's in your life if you don't do it.  If the Marys and the Janes don't come forward then it's likely that no one will and most of the Annas will be lost. 

On Anger

*Note: I wrote and rewrote this post several times and it was originally much more lengthy, but I just wanted to get to the point, thus you have this condensed post.

I want to let you know up front (for those Mormons who read my blog) that I've been planning this post in my head for probably 24 hours or so and it's pure coincidence that this topic was brought up somewhat this morning.

Moving on.  I've been thinking about anger a lot over the last few days.  Anger and hot-tempers run in my family. We're grudge holders and yellers and silent-treatment givers and at times hitters. I know all about anger.

Sometimes you're angry and you have good reason.  This is called being justified in your anger.  I've been sitting around angry, in a way I feel is justified, for weeks.  In my mind people have done things directly against me and I have the right to be angry.

And you know what? You (I) can do that.  I'm fine if you (I) do that, I feel like it's a reasonable thing to do, but here's the thing.  You're only hurting yourself.  Nobody actually gives a shit if you're angry.  So do it.  Sit there and be angry because you deserve to be and people are mean to you.  But realize you're going to be sitting there all alone and no one is going to come to realize they've been mean and apologize.

My new found knowledge?  Just let it go.  Fake it 'til you make it if you need to, but show that meanness or whatever isn't going to destroy your life.  Keep being nice to the people that are hurting you and then maybe they'll stop hurting you.